go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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