He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
