were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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