Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
