I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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