somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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