so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
