dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
