I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
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I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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