Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
