JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
