I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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