He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
