wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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