i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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