Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
