i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
