you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
