True but thats because hes a fetus.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
