I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
