someone get that fucking seahorse.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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