I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
