It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
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Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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