my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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