I'm going to jail i love you
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
