Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
