Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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