My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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