just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
the liver wants what the liver wants
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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