if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
