what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
