70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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