goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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