Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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