im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
