Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
