Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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