i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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