I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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