My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
