Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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