hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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