He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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