HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home