you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
