Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
