Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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