I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
