The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
