My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
