...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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