my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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