my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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