dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
