The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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